***
—An old woman and an old man on a bus:
W: Sir, can I trouble you for your seat?
M: H***, no! What do you think I am, a teenager?
Bus driver: Yeah, he’s 80 years old.
M: D*** right, I’m 80 years old! I’m stayin’ where I am!
W: But I have a walker.
M: So what? You ain’t the only crippled person in the world!
W: Can’t you read the sign on the window? You are supposed to give up your seat for someone who is disabled.
M: That’s in YOUR world, woman! That’s what happens in YOUR world! You been livin’ in some kind of heaven in your head. Well, WELCOME to hell! I ain’t gettin’ out of this seat today, lady.
W: But I …
M: No! You been gettin’ special treatment and givin’ people crap for years. Now it’s your turn.
***
—A homeless man and the owner of the Grocery Room:
M1: Let me ask you a question. What can I do to get a cup of coffee around here?
M2: (big, annoyed sigh) What do you want?
M1: I want coffee. I can earn it, too. I can preach in front of your door!
M2: No! Don’t do that! I’ll GIVE you the coffee.
M1: Thought so. I thank you.
***
—Two HUGE security guards in my building:
M1: A’ight, I clocked out, man.
M2: A’ight, then. You here tomorrow, man?
M1: Yup. See ya! Belly Button Love!
***
—Two middle-aged women at a movie theater:
W1: If she weren’t so chubby in the face, she would look exactly like Shirley Temple.
W2: Hmmm, really.
W1: Yes! Her hair is just like Shirley Temple’s … (thinking) … except, she keeps it in a rat’s nest, and like I said, she’s fat, so she really DOESN’T look like her, I guess.
***
—Two old women on a bus:
W1: I should eat more healthy than I do, but it is not my fault that I eat McDonald’s. I just need some air, so I go for a walk, and it is always during dinnertime when I go, and the food is right there when I pass by. If I weren’t walking right then, the only thing that would be on TV is that d*** Larry King showing pictures of Jackson with his hair on fire. That’s all that’s ever on.
W2: Oh, look! There’s the new perfume guy on the street!
W1: He’s not new. I’ve seen him a million times.
W2: He sells everything, even men’s perfume.
W1: He doesn’t sell men’s perfume.
W2: Go into that store behind him, and it is wall-to-wall perfume. I think it’s a new store.
W1: This is what I’m trying to tell you! It’s NOT new. I’ve seen it on my walks.
***
—An old woman and a middle-aged man on a bus:
W: You are wearing green socks.
M: Yes, I know. These are fantastic socks. I wear them every day. I rinse them out at night, and they are dry by the morning.
W: But they are green.
M: Yes, they are.
W: So, you are wearing a pink shirt. They don’t go.
M: It’s not pink, it’s salmon. They go.
W: Well, I’m glad YOU feel so good about it, but when you get home, you should ask your wife what she thinks about your green socks and your pink shirt.
M: She’s okay with it.
W: No, she’s not. Trust me.
***
—The facilities manager of my building:
M: The system is down AGAIN!?! Aaggh! I am about to have a COW with Columbia! A MAJOR, MAJOR COW! The world would never guess that whole place is run by a bunch of idiots. NOTHIN’ BUT IDIOTS!
***
—Man walking on the street in Times Square:
M: You’re tired. Everyone gets tired. Even Donald Trump gets tired.
***
—Graduate students in bathroom stalls at Teachers College:
W1: Oh, please! Do NOT complain about waiting in line for this bathroom. You have no idea. I HATE my school in Hoboken! There is ONE bathroom for the entire faculty. I had a stomach virus and had to take the entire week off. There was no way.
W2: You mean, one bathroom for each? One female and one male?
W1: Did you hear me? One! I’m not even talking about one bathroom. I’m talking about one TOILET!
W2: Wait, not one bathroom with five or six stalls?
W1: Stalls?! No! You are NOT getting what I’m saying! Let’s break it down this way, I’m talking about 30 butts, 1 toilet, okay? I’m not kidding you, every day I wished I was a boy so I could pee in a plant.
***